For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
