I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
