found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
