It's like a parade of train wrecks.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
