Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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