I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
