go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
