Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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