I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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