sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
