Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
