I only kidnapped one of them. chill
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
