kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
