i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
