Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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