apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
