fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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