I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
