No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
