Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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