I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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