Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Soap is not a condiment
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
