So drunk its hurt
...so i touched it.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she looked like the before picture.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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