My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
