So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
