Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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