Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
