i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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