Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
