dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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