It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
