On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
