Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
