My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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