I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
