Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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