So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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