Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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