U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Randomize
