Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
