Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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