can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
