ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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