My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
