I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
