The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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