The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
