my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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