Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
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