I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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