I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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