time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
