Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
