I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
