I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
