my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize